<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>That time Aang had to face his past by TrashTrish</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23177416">That time Aang had to face his past</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrashTrish/pseuds/TrashTrish'>TrashTrish</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Avatar: The Last Airbender</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Bisexual Aang (Avatar), Bisexual Zuko (Avatar), Childhood Memories, Childhood Trauma, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Nightmres, POV Aang (Avatar), Trauma</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 15:21:44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>15,803</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23177416</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrashTrish/pseuds/TrashTrish</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>On the outside Aang's life is perfect. He just got engaged to the love of his life. He has loving and supportive friends and he has been fully accepted by his fiance's family. How could life be any better? But inside, a storm is brewing, one that threatens to destroy everything he holds dear. Wracked with guilt, he is forced to open up about his past once again and with Zuko's support, he must face the past head on in order to come out the other side. But things are never that easy. Uncertainty and fear are around every corner and the unforgiving storm is now on his tail. Will Aang be able to confront his past and face his greatest fears? Or will he be lost to them forever?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Aang/Zuko (Avatar), aged up Zukaang, zukaang</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>132</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Forever Zukaang</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. The dreams</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The dream started out like ones he'd had a million times before. He was a child again, back in the air temple, playing airball with his friends. They were normal happy kids. Laughing and cheering each other on when they won. The monks were meditating or walking around. Some watched. Monk Gyatso was cheering as he won. It was like he was actually back in time. But then the dream changed as quick as a flash of lightening. Gone was the laughter and cheering and in their place were cries of terror. His name was cried into the air. His people were begging him to come back and save them. He wanted to. But he was frozen and because he was frozen, not even able to blink, he was forced to watch while everyone he loved was slaughtered before his very eyes.

And that's when the dream ended.

</p>
<p>His screams had woken Zuko, who had done his best to comfort him. He was cradled in Zuko's arms. The man he loved kissed the side of his head and neck. He whispered words of comfort. Told him he would never let him go. That he was safe. That everything was okay.</p><p>He grasped at the words. Wanting to believe what the man he loved was telling him. It wasn't that he didn't trust Zuko. He trusted his fiance more than anyone else in the world. But he wasn't able to shake the hopelessness and helplessness the dream had left him with. Then the guilt crept up on him, always lingering in the background, not taking center stage for so long. The last time had been during the storm when he told Katara the truth about him running away from his duties as Avatar. And even then it wasn't like this. He had felt awful for leaving his people to be massacred and for allowing the rest of the world to fall into a war that cost millions of people their lives. It borrowed it's way into his soul and he had felt like a failure, but he found comfort in the words of comfort from Katara. He felt a little better when she hugged him and supported him and told him it wasn't his fault. She was never able to convince him that it wasn't his fault but knowing he had her and Sokka and they loved him anyway, it was a weight off of him,

This time the love and support made him feel worse instead of better.

Zuko seemingly sensed this and continued his attempts at calming him down. He told him he loved him, promised it would be okay, he assured him it was just a bad dream, told him everyone has them, it would get better soon. He spent most of the night doing everything he possibly could to make him feel better before finally drifting off. Aang didn't get so lucky. He was too afraid to sleep again so he spent the rest of the night trying to forget his dream.

Morning had arrived sooner than expected and Zuko had been wanting to talk. Aang knew from the way he looked at him through sleep heavy eyes and the way he nuzzled their noses and peppered kisses on the tip of his nose. So he made an excuse to get out of bed and avoid talking. He planned to avoid this forever. That had been the plan at least. But then Ursa stopped by for a visit and he overheard a conversation he wasn't supposed to here. 

He knew he shouldn't stay and listen but the more they spoke the more compelled to stay Aang felt.

</p>
<p>"I don't know how to help him," Zuko told her. "He was crying out like he was in pain and I couldn't do anything to stop it."</p><p>"Oh, sweet boy, you have such a good heart."</p><p>"What good does a good heart do if I can't help the man I love?"</p><p>Ursa took Zuko's hand in hers and held it to her chest. "Sweetheart, when I left the palace and went back to Norman he wanted to help me too. He tried to get me to open up about my feelings and what happened but I couldn't do it. It wasn't that I didn't love or trust him and it wasn't about what he could or couldn't do, but I wasn't ready. My guess is Aang isn't either. And maybe you won't be able to make it all better. Norman's love wasn't able to take away my trauma either. But having his support made it less lonely. That's all you can do for Aang. Be there for him. Give him the space and time he needs. But never give up on him."

</p>
<p>"I know you're right." The anguish in Zuko's voice broke Aang's heart into a million tiny pieces. "But I hate knowing he's hurting. I worry it will change him. Pain can change you. It changed me until I wasn't the same person anymore. I don't want Aang to go through that. He's strong. He's the strongest person I know. But even the Avatar isn't indestructible. He's still a person with real feelings and a heart that has been put through so much already."

"Oh, my sweet, sweet boy. I wish I could have been there. I failed you and your sister and I will never be able to make up for it." She cupped Zuko's face in her hands. "You're right. Pain can change a person but you never lost that kindness in your heart. You buried it and tried to hide it because you were afraid of being rejected by your father, but it was never lost. The issues with your father make your circumstances different from Aang. He doesn't have to worry that showing who he really is will lead to rejection. He knows you and your friends will be there for him. And if he forgets that sometimes or doubts it then you will show him by never giving up on him."

"I wish I believed in me as much as you do."

Aang's heart couldn't take much more of this.

"Not just me. Your uncle believes in you. He always has. And then Aang. I don't think I know another person who loves another person as much Aang loves you and I know he believes in you. He trusts you with his heart, his work as The Avatar and I know he believes in what you are trying to do for the Fire Nation and the world. The only other time I've seen that much love and belief in another person is when I see you with him."

"I missed you, mom."

</p>
<p>Aang left before he could hear anymore. They deserved privacy during their mother/son moment. He already felt bad enough for sticking around.

He also needed to think about what he would say. It was on his mind the rest of the day and he decided it was best to be completely upfront with Zuko. Their relationship had been built on honesty and trust and he couldn't hold back because it was hard. Zuko had never done that with him despite how difficult he found it to be honest with his feelings. And now it was part of their relationship. Zuko confided in him more than anyone and he was getting so much better.

Aang knew he had to do the same even if it killed him.

So that's what he did. He waited until they were both in bed and then he asked Zuko if they could talk about the night before. Zuko knew what he needed of course. He sat back against the bed and held his arms out for Aang to slide into. Then he held him silently while Aang poured his heart out. Even when Aang stumbled over his words or wandered off onto something else, Zuko never let go. He provided the warmth and love he needed to get it out there and when he was finished, Zuko wiped away the tears that had fallen and peppered his face with kisses, all without saying a single word. Aang knew it must have been tough for Zuko. He knew Zuko wanted to fix things for him. But he did it anyway and Aang had never felt more loved or respected than he had in that moment.

That's how Aang fell asleep that night, feeling loved and safe with the man he loved.

</p>
<p>____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________</p><p>
  <i>The cries were louder than Appa's roars. Aang could do nothing but watch from above his home, atop Appa's back, while his body refused to work. His friends ran but they weren't fast enough. The Monk's who never lifted a finger in violence that day fought to protect the children among them. They used their bending in defense mostly, but Aang could see they were willing to do what it took to end the attack on them. The oldest of the Monk's was the first to fall. He was almost eight, older and more frail than all the others there. He had been an extremely powerful bender in his youth and while there was still some power there, it had dimmed with age. He gave it all he had but another, younger and more vicious than anyone he would have met before, set him alight without a blink. The Monk had no time to scream. He was dust at the feet of his killer in seconds.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"Help us, Aang!" Another Monk called out from below.</i>
</p><p>He was frozen. His body and his voice. His mind was working, it was pleading with his body to do something, anything. He would have taken distracting the Fire Nation over doing nothing. But he was powerless. His best friend in the world, Appa, was still, almost lifeless, alongside him. He looked up to the sky and prayed for something to break the curse on him.</p><p>He knew what was going to happen.</p><p>He wanted to stop it somehow.</p><p>If the Avatar was meant to save the world, how could that be him, when he couldn't even save his own people.</p><p>He was't even helping!</p><p>He was useless.</p><p>He was failing them.</p><p>He had to help.</p><p>He had to.</p><p>They needed him.</p><p>
  <i>"Aang, please!" His friend, Tenzin, cried out, looking straight at him.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Tenzin's life was gone in seconds. He was grabbed by two soldiers and his face set alight as the soldiers jeered. Tenzin screamed and the fire spread from his face, down his body, and overtook him. His body was discarded while he was still alive and screaming in pain.</i>

His death was not the last. One after one, his people were dying. While others cried for his help.
</p><p>
  <i>"We need you, Aang!"</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"Help us!"</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Flames overtook the Air Temple. The soldiers became more vicious, throwing people together before setting them alight and fusing them together. It stopped some of the cries. But not all. The cries of the falling Air Nomads pierced through his heart. Not all cried willingly. Some attempted to die peacefully, without a word, but the fire that engulfed their bodies always won out in the end. He wanted to block them out but he was unable to.

He searched the faces of the Air Benders down there. He wanted to say a personal goodbye, albeit a silent one, to everyone he had grown up with. It was the only thing he was physically capable of. And it was nothing at the end of the day. To his relief, the one person he couldn't spot in the crowd was Gyatso. He hoped that somehow he was safe from the attack.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"Aaaaaaaang!"</i>
</p><p>
  <i>The cries from those on fire turned the stillness of the sky into a storm. Thunder, lightening and rain ravaged them all. Each bolt of lightening or roar of thunder represented another fallen Airbender. Inside Aang was the storm. He was breaking. His heart was hammering. He was watching the people he knew and loved die around them. He was choking on their ashes, as they blew up to him. The faces he saw every day were disappearing faster than he could process.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>How could he does this?</i>
</p><p>
  <i>How could he watch and not help?</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Please, he tried to scream.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Stop.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Leave them alone!</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Kill me.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Let me die instead of them.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>I won't fight you!</i>
</p><p>
  <i>I'll surrender.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>I'll give you who you came for.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>But his pleas could not be heard, because they never left his mouth. They were only in his head.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Appa's presence was no comfort to him. His best friend was going to be the last to die. In his gut, he knew it. Nothing he did would save any of them. Nothing he could think would stop the atrocity from being carried out.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>He couldn't even close his eyes.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>The soldier's had killed them all in minutes. Was it even minutes? It felt like hours since the first one dropped to the ground. Aang didn't understand. Why them? Why kill them when they could have him? Did they not see him?</i>
</p><p>
  <i>There was one Airbender left below.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Gyatso.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>His arms were burned and his body was twisted, but he was alive. There was no fight left in him. When the soldiers pulled him, Gyatso followed. He was forced to his knees and the jeers returned. The Monk looked up at him and Aang could see how betrayed he felt. It broke the last piece of Aang's heart.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"Why?" Gyatso cried. "Why didn't you help us?"

The Monk grew angry. "You were like a son to me. I would have given up everything for you! I believed in you. I did everything I could to make you feel loved. But it was all for nothing. I never should have wasted my love on you."</i>
</p><p>
  <i>They were the last words spoken by the man who raised him.</i>

His death was the most brutal of all. They burned him slower than the others. They made sure his screams could be heard for miles.
</p><p>
  <i>All fight left Aang. He collapsed on Appa's back as he willed the storm to take him.</i>
</p><p>"I'm sorry!"</p><p>He shot up in bed, sobbing, gasping for breath and reaching for something to level him.</p><p>Zuko pulled him into a tight embrace.</p><p>"Ssh, Aang, it's okay. It's okay. It was another bad dream. I've got you. You're okay."

</p>
<p>He closed his eyes and focused on Zuko. All that existed right now was Zuko. He was here. He was real. He was safe. No one was dying. No one was crying. Everything was fine. It was all fine. It wasn't real. It was a nightmare.

It wasn't real.

Except it was. 

They were gone.

His people.

His friends.

They were gone and it was all his fault.

Gyatso was gone.

The man who was there for him more than anyone in his childhood. Gyatso had loved him, treated him like his own son and never turned his back on him, even when Aang thought he had. Despite the other Monks wanting Aang to start his Avatar training younger than his past lives, Gyatso did everything he possibly could to give him a childhood like the ones his friends had. One where he could have fun, be silly and enjoy his favourite things. Gyatso didn't care about getting into trouble. All he cared about was giving him the happiest life possible under the circumstances.

And when Gyatso needed him most, he ran away from him and got frozen in an iceberg and he never got to say goodbye.

He never got to tell him he loved him.

It was all too much for Aang and he succumbed to the grief that had been welling up inside of him for years. The anguished sobs that tore from broke the heart of the man holding him, who was powerless to ease the pain he felt but it didn't deter him. Zuko held him through the sobs until he exhausted himself into a deep slumber.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. The Promise</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Aang felt terrible.</p><p>Last night had been the worst night yet. It was bad enough he woke Zuko up almost every single night now, sometimes even more than once a night. But last night he was pretty sure he managed to wake up the entire palace. He found it hard to believe they hadn't heard his cries. Even to Aang's own ears, his cries were still ringing out hours later. His head was feeling the effects of his breakdown. His eyes were sore and so was his head which was throbbing like nothing he had ever felt before. His nose was stuffy too. If he didn't fully wake up soon he was going to find it hard to breathe. He needed to blow his nose and maybe sit up straight for a bit. But he didn't want to me. He was afraid it would wake Zuko up and then he would interrupt him again. He was considering cracking open his eyes to glance around the room when Zuko's voice interrupted his thoughts. "Morning, sweetheart. How are you feeling now?" Zuko's hands reached for his face and started soothing strokes along his cheeks.</p><p>"I feel like my head's about to explode. Did I keep you up all night?"</p><p>"My poor Aang." He felt lips brush a feathery kiss against his forehead. His eyes opened slowly. Zuko was watching him, concern etched on his handsome face.</p><p>"I didn't mean to wake you."</p><p>Zuko shushed him and pressed another kiss to his face. "You didn't. I woke up an hour ago. I didn't want to disturb you. I thought you needed the sleep."</p><p>"I woke you up last night. And everybody else."</p><p>"That wasn't your fault, though. And you don't know it was everybody else. Maybe no one else heard."</p><p>Aang couldn't keep the disbelief off his face. Zuko didn't try to argue about the others hearing, he just wanted Aang not to feel bad. Aang did feel bad, though. He couldn't help it. Everybody in the palace worked really hard and the last thing they needed was to be woken up in the middle of the night because he had a nightmare.</p><p>"Aang, I'm sure nobody blames you if they happened to wake up in the middle of the night."</p><p>"They should."</p><p>"Oh, sweetheart."</p><p>Zuko showered him with more love. It felt wrong. He felt wrong. He was the worst kind of person there was. He let people thank him for ending the war, he refused to kill Ozai when everyone else wanted him to, because it went against everything he believed in. Yet he ran from the very people who taught him everything he believed in and because he ran away, they were gone, and he was the last airbender alive. The only one with the ability to keep their way of life alive and he struggled to do that every day.</p><p>"It's my fault." Aang whispered. He fought back the tears that were threatening to spill again. He didn't want to cry again. "Everything bad is my fault."</p><p>"What's your fault?"</p><p>Zuko knew where he was going with this. Aang could see it in his eyes. He was giving Aang the ability to open up to him. And maybe get some of the weight off his chest. He knew his fiance wanted to be able to help, but last night proved another person couldn't do anything to help him. Aang wasn't even sure there was anything he could do to make it better. He'd been open with Zuko, had told him about the dreams after hearing Zuko and Ursa's talk. He poured his heart out and it wasn't enough to chase the demons away.</p><p>"Everything. I let the other airbenders down. When they needed me to be there I ran and then they died. I wasn't there to save them or even try to help. They must have been so sacred. Tenzin, Gyatso, my other friends, the other monks, everyone! They all needed me. They were never going to fight the Fire Nation but my brain keeps playing them fighting every night and I know that's not what happened. They would have tried to defend themselves but they weren't violent people. They hated violence just as much as I do. But I would have fought back as the Avatar and maybe that would have been enough to save some of them. Maybe the airbenders wouldn't be extinct except for me if I hadn't run away."</p><p>"Or maybe you'd be dead too." Zuko offered gently.</p><p>"Maybe the world would be better off if I was."</p><p>"Do you really believe that?" Zuko sounded calm but when he glanced up and met the gaze of his love, he saw pain and grief there. And he hated seeing them. His fiance had been through so much in his life already. He didn't need Aang causing him more pain.</p><p>"Sometimes," he admitted.</p><p>He tried not to let those thoughts carry him away. But each night when the nightmares hit, the part of his subconscious that was aware it was all a dream and not reality thought how much better the world might be today if he wasn't. A different Avatar might have been better for the world. A different Avatar might have prevented the war from raging on for 100 years. They might have found a way to bring peace to the world before so many had to die, before so much had been destroyed by the Fire Nation. He knew there were people out there who thought the same. They were some of the people who suffered the worst kinds of losses, who held onto hope for as long as they could until they were no longer able to and when he came back, it was like he had stomped on the hope they'd held for so long, and expected them to be thankful for finally coming back.</p><p>"Do you think I would be better off without you?"</p><p>He shrugged. He didn't want to answer. </p><p>"How about Katara? Sokka? Toph?"</p><p>"I don't know."</p><p>Zuko shuffled beside him in the bed. He glanced over and saw the man sitting legs crossed on the bed, watching him. He rubbed his face in frustration. Zuko was really upset, Aang knew, and he didn't like knowing he had caused it. He pushed himself into an upward position and hugged his knees to his body as he prepared to hear what Zuko had to say. His rested his head on his arms, but his gaze was firmly on the man beside him. Whatever Zuko had to say, he would listen.</p><p>"Aang, I... I thought you knew how much better my life is with you in it. But maybe you need to hear it again." Zuko cleared his throat. "Meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me. It set me on a journey I don't know I would have gone on otherwise. You were the catalyst for change in my life. I know I did the work and my uncle was a huge part of it, too. But I know my journey to redemption was at least influenced by you. Do you remember the first time you asked if we could be friends? Back in the North Pole? I thought you were crazy. I thought you were this dumb little kid who didn't understand how the world worked. But then I got everything I had wanted eventually. I was back living here, my father and sister accepted me, the people saw me as their beloved crown prince. But I wasn't happy and when I decided to join you again and I knew you didn't trust me, it hurt, a lot. For some reason you not wanting me hurt worse than the others. I didn't know why at first. But after you forgave me. I realised it was because you were so good and forgiving. I knew how much you loved. Having you not love me was the most painful proof that I wasn't a good person. When you finally let me in it was like I was finally doing something right. But it didn't stop there. As we got closer, I knew I didn't want to stop at doing better, I wanted to help the world. I wanted to heal some of the damage my family had done. You have made me a better person without even trying. And then I fell in love with you and I realised my world would be so empty without that love." They were both crying. Aang was trying to be quiet so he didn't interrupt Zuko but he saw Zuko was struggling. He reached out and grasped his fiance's hand. A tiny smile tugged at the sides of Zuko's mouth. "You know I believe destiny brought us together. That the world knew how perfect you were for me and gave me the most amazing gift in the world. So hearing you say that stuff about me being better off without you, it's like a knife is trying to twist my heart out of my chest. But I know it's not about us. I know this is about your past and that's something I'm not part of. But I want to know. No, I need to know. Do you really think I would be better off without you?"</p><p>"Honestly?" Aang asked. "I don't know. I know this isn't about us. You're perfect and amazing and I know destiny brought us together because we just fit. You make me so happy Zuko. None of how I feel right now is about you or anyone else. Ever since these dreams started I feel like all the joy has been taken from me. I'm forced to face my biggest regret every time I close my eyes. I haven't been able to feel anything good since then, you know?! It's not I want to feel this way but it won't let me go."</p><p>Zuko squeezed his hand. "Does talking help at all?"</p><p>Aang shook his head fiercely. "No! That's the most frustrating thing. I'm trying to work on it but nothing helps. I try to think happy thoughts but I always go back to the night they died. I always end up seeing them die and I'm always powerless to stop. I thought opening up to you might help, but last night proved that it did nothing. It was horrible, Zuko. They were all crying out for me while I was watching them get picked off one by one. My friends were so scared. They kept looking for me and when they realised I wasn't coming back they tried to run, but they weren't fast enough. And every time Gyatso is the last one to die but it was different too. He never gave up on me in any of the others, but last night I knew he hated me for abandoning them, for letting them die. For letting him die. I keep trying to figure out what all this means, but I already know I carry the guilt of their deaths with me, nothing else makes sense. It doesn't explain why now, though, or why I imagine something so different from what actually happened. I saw the bodies. I found Gyatso. I know he tried to save the others and died trying."</p><p>"Maybe this is your brains way of telling you it's time to go back and face what happened."</p><p>"I'm scared."</p><p>"I know, sweetheart."</p><p>Aang trembled. "I don't want to realise they hated me."</p><p>"Want to know what I think?"</p><p>Aang did. He nodded slowly.</p><p>Zuko brushed some of the tears from his cheeks. "I think the airbenders were glad you weren't there. I think when they realised what was about to happen, they were relieved someone would survive to carry on the culture. They loved you, Aang. I know they meant the world to you. You talk about them all the time. But I also know you meant the world to them. You were Tenzin's best friend. You were there for him so many times. I remember the stories you told me about the two of you. The time you cheered him up after you became an Airbending Master and he wondered if he would ever be good enough. Some kids would have been angry that their friend wasn't just happy for them, but you never got mad. You reassured him he would be an amazing Master one day. Don't you think Jinju, the kid nobody wanted to play with, appreciated you every time you went out of your way to include him despite the others thinking he was too weird? Don't you think he loved you for picking him first that time he wasn't even going to join in?"</p><p>"I guess. I don't think I did anything so great for him, though."</p><p>"But I promise you he didn't see it that way. You showed him kindness when others wanted to exclude him."</p><p>"They never treated him that badly."</p><p>Zuko's smile was endearing. "Maybe it didn't seem that way but I'm sure he felt like nobody wanted him. Until you picked him first. I bet it made him feel like someone really liked him for the first time."</p><p>"Maybe."</p><p>"What about Gyatso? Do you think he didn't love you? The man did everything to give you a normal childhood. He encouraged your playful side, he always knew what to say when you needed cheering up and he wasn't afraid to get into a little trouble with the other Nomads when it came to making your life a little less different than the other kids. I'm sure he thought of you as the child he never got to have. I'm sure he would be so proud of you. And I know without any doubt that he was glad you weren't there when the Fire Nation Army attacked. I imagine it brought him some comfort in his final moments, knowing you were anywhere but there."</p><p>"Do you really believe that?" He felt like he was 12 again and looking for reassurances that it was all going to be okay.</p><p>Maybe in some ways, he never lost that part of himself. Maybe nobody ever really did.</p><p>"I do. You know why? Because that's how I would feel. If we were attacked in the morning all I would think about is you and whether you were safe and if I was dying, I would want you to be safe more than anything. And if I know for sure you were it would bring me some comfort in my final moments."</p><p>"I don't want to think about losing you," he said honestly.</p><p>"I feel the same way about you, love."</p><p>That made sense. Zuko made a lot of sense with everything he had just said. He wondered if there was a way to make himself believe everything Zuko had said or at least take comfort in it. For a moment he closed his eyes and attempted to force his brain to do one of the two. It only made his head hurt again and it had only started to feel better.</p><p>"I hate this."</p><p>"I know, love."</p><p>"I hate feeling like this. You have no idea how badly I want to feel happy. To enjoy the fact we're engaged and we'll be getting married in the near future. To just enjoy life without feeling like the whole word is against me, but I can't shake it. Everything feels bad. I don't know how else to describe it but it feels like I'm being swallowed whole.</p><p>"And nothing helps?"</p><p>"No, which is frustrating! I don't want to feel this way forever, Zuko, I swear I don't."</p><p>"I know sweetheart. We'll find a way to make it better, I promise."</p><p>"But what if we can't find a way? What if it gets worse and worse and soon it swallows me whole and there's nothing left but a shadow of the person I am? What if I have to live with this for the rest of my life until it drives off the edge." He wasn't sure if he sounded as hysterical to Zuko as he did to himself. But even to his own hears he could hear the rantings of someone who was losing their grasp on the fine threads that held their mental state together.</p><p>Zuko gently nudged him to lay down, which he did without any resistance. He lay on his side, facing the window, so he could look out at the world outside this room where his every trauma seemed to terrorise him and breathed a sigh of relief when Zuko's arms enveloped him and pulled him close to his body. He snuggled down and let his fiance hold him close. His brain wasn't quite as ready to accept it as the rest of him was.</p><p>"I'll find a way Aang." Zuko tightened his hold on him as if he could sense the storm raging inside of Aang. "I promise, we will figure out a way to help you heal. I won't stop trying until you're happy again. I won't just stop at finding a way to stop the nightmares. I'll help you work through your past. I'll do everything in my power, Aang, I promise. I won't leave you. I'll move earth and water, air and fire and everything else to bring you peace, I promise. You're not alone, I promise. I'm with you until the end. I promise."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Journey</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The trip had been Zuko's idea. Four more weeks of nightmares, of Aang waking up at least once a night hysterical and traumatized from the nightmares had been too much for his fiance to handle. So he suggested they return to the place he had avoided for so long. Aang wasn't sure it was a good idea. He worried it might make things worse instead of better. Hard to imagine, he guessed. But lately he had been losing control more. The last week he had been airbending when the nightmares took hold. He even blew Zuko out of bed. And then... the worst thing happened. He'd almost gone into the Avatar state without realising it. Only for Zuko taking charge and trying to chase off the dreams with love and comfort in his ear that night, anything could have happened. He could have hurt people. He could have killed every single person in the palace. So he agreed.</p><p>He knew things were only going to keep getting worse. Nothing had helped. He tried spending more time with others. He tried to stay busy so he couldn't dwell on the nightmares or his past, but try as he might, it wasn't enough.</p><p>The storm inside of him was growing out of control and he was unsure he would be able to contain it before the effects became catastrophic.</p><p>Last night his friends, Iroh and Ursa had joined them for a special dinner. It wasn't quite a goodbye dinner. It was more like a dinner of support. Of love. Friendship. And family. Katara and Sokka had offered to come with them and he almost wanted them to but Sokka hadn't spent much time with Suki lately and he felt the two deserved it with how hard they were both working, and Katara was helping train Waterbenders in the Southern Water Tribe. She had taken on a leading role in shaping the reformation of their tribe. It was something she had resisted agreeing to for a time but two years into her role as a waterbending teacher and she was in such a good place. Like Toph with her Earthbending, Katara had benders coming from far and wide to train with her. He had never seen Katara this happy and he was really glad for her. He didn't want to pull her away from that. But more than that, he felt like this was something he and Zuko needed to do together. He wasn't sure why he felt that way but as soon as he agreed to this, it was the first thought that stuck.

Suki hadn't been able to make it last night and had sent her apology through Sokka, who couldn't hide his excitement about seeing her again. Aang had missed her a lot. She was always fun to talk to and had asked Aang to help her and the other Kyoshi warriors learn some meditation was a way of growing their fighting skills. They were very good students, except for maybe Ty Lee, who wasn't exactly bad, she just found it hard to stay quiet and sit still. He understood how hard it could be. Even the most peaceful airbenders he had known admitted that it wasn't always easy to embrace the silence. But he still enjoyed teaching them and it was a way for him to pass on their traditions and see other benders and non-benders appreciate and embrace them. Before they left, Katara made him promise to stay safe and call on them if they got into trouble and Sokka told him to find a way to kick his nightmares butts. They both left with words of encouragement and smiles that were more hopeful than worried, which helped solidify his decision to turn down their offer to come.

Ursa had been the last to leave. She wanted to spend some more time with her baby before he left, but she also wanted to make sure she'd prepared enough food for them. Aang had wondered if she realised they wouldn't be gone forever. She prepared enough food to last the two of them at least a year and if they were careful not to overindulge, he was sure they would get two years out of it. She made most of it vegetarian which Zuko hadn't minded, surprisingly enough. As much of his customs he had taken up since they got together, eating vegetarian was not one of them. She had wanted Aang to make sure it was all okay, and it was, except for one dish that he guessed she forgot about, but he didn't want to hurt her feelings so he said nothing. She had hugged them both multiple times. She had checked out the man with the route they were taking and she had Zuko go over the plan about ten times before she was confident enough that they would be okay. Aang thanked her for everything and she dismissed him. She told him it's what family was for. He loved her a little more than and if Zuko's face had been anything to go by, he'd felt the same way.

</p><p>Today only Toph and Iroh remained. Toph had insisted she be here to wave them off and Iroh was staying in the palace while they were gone, to cover for Zuko. It was times like these he really appreciated that the people around him never gave up on him.</p><p>"Well, Twinkle Toes, you're looking a little less like a tired crazy person today."</p><p>"Uh...thanks, I think,"</p><p>He wasn't aware he had looked like a tired crazy person yesterday. Or ever. Except for the time he went without sleep because he was worried about the invasion. But that had been an extenuating circumstance and hadn't been replicated since. Even if he was afraid to sleep now.</p><p>"You're welcome," her smile was sarcastic. "You!" She pointed at Zuko. "We need to talk."</p><p>Taken aback, Zuko nodded and followed her into a corner of the room. Iroh glanced at him with a smile. "How are you feeling, young Avatar?"</p><p>"I'm okay..." He wasn't sure how to answer it completely honest.</p><p>"At times like these it can be easy to shut out those who love us. But these are the times we need others the most."</p><p>Iroh was a wise man. He was sure Iroh had some sort of past life somewhere. People with so much wisdom and kindness often had an air of living before, Aang thought. It was why he valued Iroh's advice so much. Even if he wasn't sure he could take it on board right now. Deep down he knew the man was right.</p><p>"I know. Thank you for everything, Iroh."</p><p>Iroh studied him for a moment. "I hope you know you can always rely on me for help. You and my nephew are not married yet, but you are part of this family now and nothing will ever change that." That uneasy feeling grew at his words. Was that really true though? Would he always have Iroh and Ursa no matter what? He wanted to believe that.  It seemed that Iroh knew what he was thinking. "You have made my nephew happier than I have ever seen him, and more hopeful too. You might not understand the power you had over him but it's always been there. It took some time to grow into what you see now, but never mistake your impact in his life. In all our lives."</p><p>He tore his eyes off the older man and looked at the love of his life, who was watching Toph patiently. He remembered the angry Zuko he had met almost seven years ago. His love had changed so much, in such a beautiful and positive way, but it had always been in him. Aang didn't think he was responsible. But if others thought differently then he wouldn't correct them. "He's a wonderful man. I'm equally as lucky to have him in my life."</p><p>Iroh didn't disagree with him.</p><p>Toph and Zuko came back. Both smiling. It eased whatever concern Aang had about their little talk. Zuko kissed his nose before walking over to his uncle to hug him. At the same time Toph opened her arms for Aang to hug her.</p><p>Aang never would have imagined when he first met Toph that she would become the sister he never knew he needed. But somehow, while he and Zuko had been growing closer, so had he and Toph. It was different. He guessed in a way Katara and Sokka were like siblings too. But it was different than with them too. He and Toph didn't agree on most things. They were so different. And sometimes their disagreements got a little heated. Zuko said they bickered like siblings, which they did. They also looked out for each other like siblings. Toph had been their loudest and most enthusiastic supporter when he and Zuko went public with their relationship, something she denied several times. She pushed him to be the best Avatar he could be and sometimes it was annoying or too much. Instead of always apologizing, she would tease him or hug him silently and it was enough. There had been a rough patch a few years ago. He felt like she hadn't been very understanding of his attempts to keep his culture alive and at first, she had been stubborn and refused to budge, but then she apologised and she would even join him willingly now for some customs. She made it clear she would never stop eating meat and he accepted that. He appreciated her support though. They had grown to know each other so well, they could sense when the other was upset or annoyed and they knew when to back down and when to push. He loved her so much.</p><p>"Don't make me come save your asses, Twinkle Toes."</p><p>And he knew she felt the same, even if she didn't say it in the usual way.</p><p>He hugged her tight. "I'll do my best."</p><p>They said their final goodbyes and departed on Appa. He was glad his buddy was with him. This was the first time he had returned to The Southern Air Temple since he found the bodies of those who had raised him along with his friends from the past. It was something he hadn't avoided, but he certainly hadn't gone out of his way to return before now. It was something always left unspoken between him and Zuko. Zuko knew the pain finding his people there had caused him. He knew pain was a powerful thing and needed to be tackled at the person's own pace.</p><p>The first couples of hours went by in a bit of a blur. Aang stroked Appa's fur where he could reach and he watched the goings on below them zip by as they flew. At some point Aang had started to grow more uneasy and Zuko had lay down on Appa's back and pulled him into his arms.</p><p>"I'm sorry I'm acting off." Aang said when the urge to pace had finally subsided. </p><p>He received a kiss atop his head and was snuggled tighter against Zuko. "Please don't apologize for feeling things, my love. I want you to be honest with me even if it's allowing yourself to pace or get angry or scared. I'm just glad you are letting me be here for you."</p><p>"I wish I knew how to talk about it."</p><p>"Maybe you will in the future," Zuko replied gently. "Or maybe you will need to find another way to deal with it. Whatever you need to help we will find a way to do, I promise."</p><p>"I don't deserve you." </p><p>It was a piece of honesty that came from nowhere. It obviously startled Zuko. "What are you talking about?"</p><p>But Aang didn't know how to respond.</p><p>He didn't answer.</p><p>Zuko gently cupped his face, making him meet his gaze. "Aang, there is nothing you could do that would make you undeserving of love, or me. You saved each and every one of us. You loved me through some of the worst points of my life. You have shown again and again that you're an amazing person, with a loving heart. Please believe that you deserve me. Even if it doesn't feel like it, please try to believe it. I need you just as much as the world does."</p><p>Aang felt something in his core start to crack. It made no sense to him. But he sensed by the end of this journey it would be known. He wasn't sure if that made him feel at ease or worse, but he knew it was inevitable.</p><p>The second day was much of the same. Aang grew restless and Zuko calmed him. Words of love and support were shared. Another piece cracked. This went on for the first three and a half weeks. It was formulaic in the end. Aang grew into a sort of habit of pacing for a minute and then settling into Zuko's arms. He didn't want to say it calmed him. He wasn't sure that's what was happening. But he would say Zuko stopped him from floating away into the abyss. He brought him back down to earth before he could be lost forever and Aang came to rely on that. It was familiar, it was comforting even when it wasn't, it gave him something that he knew was real.</p><p>Most of all it made him love the man more.</p><p>Halfway through their third week on the road, Aang was overcome with the urge to be near Zuko. So he grabbed him and pressed their foreheads together and let the moment simply be. "I love you, Zuko. Please don't forget that when I'm too busy floating away inside my own head to say it. You mean everything to me and I know I'm not showing it right now, but I need you to know that. Above everything else there is you and only you."</p><p>Zuko was probably startled by this, but if he was, he never showed it. Instead he murmured, "I know," before pulling him in for a kiss. The kiss deepened. Zuko blanketed Aang's body with his own and Aang gave himself into the kids and for a short time, nothing was wrong in the world. Nothing existed but him and Zuko and their own little universe atop Appa's back. It was bliss. Pure, undisturbed bliss. These were the moments where he felt most at peace. Where the only thing he thought of was how good Zuko's mouth felt on his, how much he loved Zuko's hands on his body, how he loved feeling Zuko, tasting Zuko, being with Zuko in the most pure and magical way possible. They were so perfect together. Their mouths and bodies moved as one, bringing them both to the height of pleasure.</p><p>The storm inside him disappeared for a while amidst the sensory pleasure he was experience. But it didn't last. Soon the storm reared it's head again It was subtle at first, gently blowing a breeze in his brain as they kissed, but the pace slowly built until he was ravaged by the storm and pulled back to the nightmares that haunted his nightly dreams the last couple of months. Even awake he was experiencing them. He could see every single death over and over and over again until he was crying and screaming atop of Appa and he was only faintly aware of the arms cradling him, the words of comfort being whispered against the storm. It was worse than the dreams. A million times worse.  </p><p>Face after face came before him, only to be burned away by those who killed them.</p><p>Every face said his name.</p><p>Every person had meant something to him.</p><p>Every cry tore at his heart.</p><p>His name was an arrow shot at his heart.</p><p>Every tear was acid burning his skin.</p><p>The storm was never going to die, he thought.</p><p>It was going to rage in his life until his death. It would follow him. Always reminding him of those he left behind, the ones he had loved and failed when they needed him the most. It would make sure he never forgot. That he would never enjoy his life. Maybe a spirit was inside the storm. Maybe that's where this came from. Or a past life who was disappointed in him. Who felt he didn't deserve happiness after abandoning the world to be engulfed by war.</p><p>The storm swallowed him and inside the heart, the face looked familiar.</p><p>He passed out in the arms of the man he loved after a while, and he stayed passed out for a number of days. As each day passed Zuko's concern grew. Aang would stir and cry out but he never woke. It was like he was trapped in a never ending nightmare, and in a way he was, but the nightmare had now changed and he was stuck in heart of the storm now, with faces of those familiar and unfamiliar to him. The one that confused him the most, that haunted him worse than the others, was the face most familiar of them all. It was behind every other face, whispering to him within the cries of those he had lost. It was contained within the storm but Aang wondered if it was the storm. It made about as much sense as a storm of faces did. </p><p>He tried to ask it what it wanted, what it was, why this was happening, but it took his voice. It stole every word from his mouth and didn't allow it sound. He was captivated by the face and the whispers. He wanted to figure out what they meant.</p><p>
  <i>You know</i>
</p><p>
  <i>You see</i>
</p><p>
  <i>You feel</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Be honest</i>
</p><p>
  <i>This is important</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Let it out</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Tell</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Tell</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Deserves</i>
</p><p>
  <i>He</i>
</p><p>
  <i>You know it's true</i>
</p><p>
  <i>true</i>
</p><p>
  <i>know</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Honest</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Be</i>
</p><p>
  <i>You know</i>
</p><p>
  <i>You know</i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <b>You know</b>
  </i>
</p><p>But he didn't know.</p><p>He came to in a makeshift bed that Zuko had put together for him. As his eyes opened for the first time in a couple of weeks he saw two worried faces staring down at him. Appa let out a small happy sound when he realised his human was awake while Zuko wiped tears from his eyes and tried to hide the quiet sobs spilling from him.</p><p>"Aang! You're awake! I was so worried," Zuko was frantic. "I almost turned around but I didn't know if that would help or make things worse. I asked Appa what we should do and when he landed here I knew he was saying we shouldn't go back. But I wasn't sure how much longer I could hold out. You scared me half to death."</p><p>"I'm sorry," Aang mumbled. "I'm so sorry."</p><p>"Shh, it's okay. It's over now. You're back."</p><p>"What happened?"

"I still don't know. We got lost in each other for a while and then you started screaming. Terrified the life out of me. But then it all stopped and it was like you were frozen." Zuko shook his head. "No, not frozen, not like frozen in the iceberg frozen. But you were still and your eyes were closed and your body was stiff but your face was calm. I thought maybe you were having an out of body experience but then I thought of your dreams and I was trying to wake you up or make you respond to anything and you didn't. I was calling your name but I don't think you heard me."

"I didn't." That was something he was sure of. He would have remembered hearing Zuko call him.

"I started to worry that you were dead but I could feel you breathing. Then I thought maybe you were working things out. I gave you time. But you didn't wake up. I thought for sure we should turn back and get help but Appa seemed to know more than me. He kept moving forward. Eventually he stopped here and we took care of you. When I would go to get fire wood or use the bathroom, he would watch over you like a hawk. I looked to him to see if I should be worried but he seemed so calm. I wasn't sure what to do. So I waited. A few times I thought maybe you had gone into the Avatar state and got stuck or something. I was getting so close to running for help because there was no sign you were getting better. Then you woke up. My heart hasn't been the same since."

"Did I look like I was in The Avatar State?"

Was it possible his body had gone into the Avatar state while his mind was still in that weird dream world? Or maybe the Spirit World had pulled him in?

"You didn't glow."

"Okay, good. I was worried maybe the Avatar State had been triggered while I was still in that weird dream world."

"Doesn't sound like it. So what did happen?"

"I don't really know. It was weird. I was dreaming like normal and then everything changed. It was kind of like the universe was talking to me, only it wasn't, it was something else, and I'm pretty sure it was my dream state but it felt different. I'm confused."

"We don't need to worry about it now. Just rest. Let's get some food and water into you."

</p><p>Zuko gently grabbed behind his arms and helped him up into a sitting position. He gently helped him sit back against Appa and made sure he was secure in place before turning and fetching some food and water from their stockpile. The food looked unchanged from the last time he saw it. </p><p>"I wasn't able to feed you much but I could give you sips of soup and water."</p><p>"Did you eat?" Aang hated the idea of Zuko not looking after himself while looking after him. Zuko had a thing of not really looking after himself. It was something he discovered during their time working together on bringing all four nations together. If he hand't been there, reminding Zuko to rest and eat, Zuko would have thrown himself in and faded away in his mission to make the world a better place, not realising that he was needed to make the world better.</p><p>"Appa made me eat." Zuko was trying to sound more amused than worried. It didn't work.</p><p>Aang turned to stroke Appa's fur. "Thanks for taking care of him for me, buddy."</p><p>"He took care of both of us."</p><p>"I always knew I could rely on you." He hugged Appa with shaky arms.</p><p>"I never realised how much I could rely on him before."</p><p>"He loves you as much as he loves me," he told Zuko.</p><p>"I'm not sure about that. But that's okay, I know how easy it is to love you."</p><p>Zuko served Aang one of his mothers Aang meals. He took slow bites and swallowed carefully. His stomach needed some time to catch up to actual solid foods again and he needed to get used to eating on his own again. Zuko watched as he ate. He hovered and made sure everything went okay. He refused to eat until Aang had finished. Aang didn't like that but he didn't argue. He made sure Zuko ate before anything else happened. Zuko grumbled while doing it but he also offered a relieved smile that Aang was awake and talking and okay enough to care that he was eating.</p><p>It wasn't easy but Aang kept his focus somewhat on Zuko enough so not to worry his fiance more.</p><p>After they had both eaten and Zuko had washed up, they bathed in the river and relaxed in the water, which eased some of the tension in his body. Then they made the decision to stay for the rest of the day, sleep here, and leave in the morning.</p><p>He spent most of the day in Zuko's arms, snuggled up to Appa. He drifted in and out of sleep. When he would awaken to find Zuko asleep, he would watch for a few moments before drifting off again and sometimes he would wake to find Zuko watching him. Neither pushed to speak beyond words of love and comfort. But there was an unspoken stress between them, that maybe this was bigger than either of them had expected. Aang didn't know how to process. He knew he would need to. But he was still weak, his body felt droopy. His fatigue only lessened a little after every burst of sleep. He knew he needed more time before he would feel sort of normal again.

</p><p>Yet he still found himself thinking about everything that had happened until it became obvious Zuko was dreaming of him. It soothed him a little. His heart sang a little despite the storm still raging there. It was all he needed, though, and he finally fell back asleep.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. The Truth</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Zuko, I'm scared," he whispered into the crook of his fiance's neck.</p><p>They were closing in on the Southern Air Temple. He had been growing more anxious the last couple of days. Ever since he realised how close they were to the temple. For a while he had asked his brain not to focus on the details that would give away their closeness to it, and it complied for a few weeks, until it decided he needed to prepare for their impending arrival. If only it was easy for him to prepare. His preparation came in the way of crippling anxiety and a tidal wave of dread catching up with him. Part of him wanted them to turn back, to give up on this whole thing and accept that he would have to live like this for the rest of his life. The dream had pushed him forward for a while but they were so close now and it was different. Except he didn't really want to turn back. For more than one reason. Yeah, he wanted to put an end to the dreams. But he also wanted to figure out what was going on with him. He no longer believed it was just the guilt taking over his subconscious. He believed something was drawing him back here. Though he was not sure the source drawing him back was good or not, or whether it was real or not.</p><p>He was going to find out, though.</p><p>"Breathe," Zuko murmured to him. "I've got you."</p><p>"Breathing."</p><p>He was trying to, at least. But it felt like there was something sitting on his chest that prevented breathing from happening naturally.</p><p>"Try slow it down a little."</p><p>"I'm trying, I swear."</p><p>"You've got this, Aang. Breathe with me."</p><p>Why this wasn't easier, he had no clue. He never really had a hard time breathing before. He could remain calm through the worst things with some meditation, the exception being that time he went without any sleep before the invasion, but this was nothing like that. That had been a matter of life and death and he had the pressure of the world on his shoulders. He no longer had that on him. This was just him being a ball of messy energy. It was a good thing the world didn't need him to defeat anyone now because he would not be in the right state of mind to be the Avatar he was at the age of 12. </p><p>"You're overthinking things again." Zuko urged him to move up a little which Aang did because he found that it was something he could do. Zuko then wrapped his arms around Aang's waist and pulled him close and held him, which strangely enough worked. How come it worked now when before, when things weren't so crazy in his head, it did nothing but make him feel worse? </p><p>"Sorry..." He felt like he was straddling the edge of the cliff, not sure if he would fall or be saved.</p><p>"Shh... It's okay, sweetheart. You're going to be okay."</p><p>"Zuko, I think the past is trying to hurt me," he cried.</p><p>"If the past wants to hurt you it better go through me," Zuko growled. "I will do whatever it takes to keep you safe. I don't care if I have to follow you into the Spirit World and tear it apart piece by piece to protect you, I will do it."</p><p>"Please don't let anything hurt you to protect me. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if anything happened to you."</p><p>That made him ponder the possibility that this could hurt Zuko instead of him, something that hadn't crossed his mind before this point, but now it was all he could think about. What if whatever was drawing him here planned to get to him through hurting the person he loved most in the world. It would make sense. They had already taken the first person he had loved most in the world; Monk Gyatso. And because he wasn't alive anymore he would never get to meet Zuko, never be around for their wedding or future children. He missed out on so much of him already. He wanted to believe he would be proud of him. But maybe he would be ashamed he hadn't done it all sooner.</p><p>"Tell me what you're thinking about."</p><p>"I wish you could have met Monk Gyatso. He was the closest thing I ever had to a parent and he was the only person who was there for me when I found out I was the Avatar. He fought to keep me with him. He tried to give me a normal childhood. He wanted me to be happy and I know he would love how happy you have made me."</p><p>Zuko's smile was soft. "I wish I could have met him, too."</p><p>"Do you think he hated me?"</p><p>"For leaving? No. I think he understood. I know he loved you as much as you loved him, so how could he hate you? I could never hate you."</p><p>Zuko's words unsettled him. He wanted to believe that Zuko could never hate him but there was so much ahead of them and Aang had screwed up before, he had screwed up pretty bad. He hid stuff from Katara and Sokka, he had injured Katara when he first started fire bending and he ran from things he didn't like more than once. He wasn't as good as Zuko thought he was. If anything, maybe he was worse than the most normal person. Most normal people hadn't hurt half as many people as he had, and he did most of it without even trying? What if he changed with age? What if he became bitter and angry? He didn't want to believe it could happen, but nobody knew what the future held. Nobody knew what they would be capable of in one year let alone ten or twenty. Who knew how long they would have together. Being The Avatar wasn't the safest job in the world. It wasn't an easy one either. Sometimes it involved upsetting people when you're doing your best. Sometimes his past lives still came back to haunt him. </p><p>What if he left Zuko behind?</p><p>He couldn't think about that.</p><p>He wouldn't.</p><p>"I think we're here," Zuko's voice cut through his thoughts.</p><p>He blinked away his thoughts and followed Zuko's line of sight. He was right. The Southern Air Temple loomed in front of them. It was no longer the impressive sight it once was. The life had been sucked from here a long time ago. It left a shadow of what once was. No, not a shadow, a skeleton. The bones of life were still here. The temple itself and many places were not hugely different. The court where he and his friends had played airball was still there and all the poles seemed to remain. The last time he had been here with Sokka and Katara, Sokka had tried to play with him, but as much as he enjoyed it in that very moment, it hadn't been the same. There was no challenge because Sokka was no airbender. He remembered where the court was never empty. Sometimes some of older Air Nomads would play at night when all the kids were asleep. They thought nobody knew, but he could hear them sometimes from his bedroom.</p><p>In the middle of Appa descending to the temple, Zuko tightened his hold on him. Aang looked over his shoulder and saw that his fiance was nervous. "Are you okay?"</p><p>"Yeah," Zuko replied through a pinched mouth. "What about you? You still okay with all this?"</p><p>"We won't fall," he told Zuko. "Appa landed here before without any problems. I promise it's safe."</p><p>"I know."</p><p>"Do you?"</p><p>"Yeah, I'm just making sure you don't slip off."</p><p>Aang smiled. "Appa's feet touched the ground a second ago."</p><p>Zuko relaxed a little and look out over Appa. He blew out a breath. "Sorry."</p><p>"It's okay."</p><p>"So how are you feeling really?" Zuko asked. "I might have been the central focus for a second there but I never forgot what we're here for."</p><p>"I'm scared but I don't want to turn back either."</p><p>"How about we take it one step at a time?" Zuko gently pushed him forward and slid out from behind him. He held out a hand and Aang took it.</p><p>"Yeah, let's do it."</p><p>They got down off Appa's back and took a few minutes to acclimatize to being on the ground again. It hadn't been so long really but the last few days Appa had pushed out. He knew his buddy was excited to be back.</p><p>"You can explore if you want," he told Appa. His bison licked him in response and took off with a happy roar. Obviously he wasn't too tired to explore yet. </p><p>"Do you want to walk around or is there someplace specific you think we should go?"</p><p>"I guess we could walk around." Aang looked down at their joined hands. He wondered if he should leave Zuko someplace and go off on his own to find the answers he was seeking.</p><p>They headed toward the court and Aang told Zuko about the time one of the kids broke a pole and had to make one from scratch to replace it. And how it hadn't been big enough so Monk Gyatso and two others had replaced it before the kid faced any consequences for it.</p><p>"Gyatso sounded like a really amazing person." Zuko commented.</p><p>"He was. I know he was closer to me than the others but he never liked to see anyone get in trouble. He never liked leaving people out."</p><p>"Sounds like someone else I know."</p><p>He wished Zuko was right. One time he might have been more like his father figure. But that all changed when he made the choices he did. The only similarities left were the vegetarianism and the pacifistic way of life he chose to live. He had Gyatso and all the other monks to thank for that. The fact they had taught him this way of life from the time he was born, and didn't change his early childhood upbringing to suit his Avatar destiny meant that he was able to carry on the traditions of his people. It meant despite all the bad he did, he could at least hold onto that as something he followed closely, even today. It meant him being the last Airbender meant something more than just a bending style, it was the way of life he lived, too, it was everything he was.</p><p>"I wish I could speak to him."</p><p>They had moved away from the spot where he once played airball with his friends and were now walking through the place the monks preferred for meditation back in the day. It was the farthest place from the buildings and gave them views of the greenery and open sky around them. Monk Gyatso used to tell him this was a very spiritual spot. A place where you were truly at one with the world and had the freedom to truly reflect on life. He closed his eyes and tried to feel it. He wanted to feel it. But even though he felt a spiritual energy around here, it wasn't the good kind, nor was it strong enough to make him sit on the ground and meditate. Wherever he was supposed to go he had a feeling it would be the place he would feel the most energy. At least he hoped that was it. </p><p>"Have you ever tried?" Zuko asked and he was reminded he wasn't alone.</p><p>"Tried what?"</p><p>"Talking to Gyatso."</p><p>"No. I'm the Avatar not a person who sees dead people everyone."</p><p>"But maybe that's a skill the Avatar has and none of your past lives realised it yet," Zuko suggested helpfully. "It sounds crazy but let's face it, the whole thing is a little bit crazy and you discovered a new power when you started energy bending, so maybe you could discover that one too?"</p><p>"I don't know how I'd do that," Aang admitted. "It would be great. I could see everyone again. Even seeing Gyatso would be amazing but the Lion Turtle taught me how to energy bend. I didn't just invent the whole thing myself."</p><p>"Hey, I only made a suggestion, let's keep walking around and see if anything happens."</p><p>"I wish I believed in me as much as you do," Aang whispered.</p><p>Zuko smiled lovingly at him and brought their joined hands together to kiss the back of Aang's hand. "I'll always believe in you, Aang. You might not know that so I will believe in you extra hard until you're ready to see you're worth it."</p><p>Tears pooled in his eyes for no reason. A cry tore from his chest and he pulled his hand away from Zuko. How could this amazing man love him so much? In what world where the Avatar runs away from his responsibilities does he get to find a person to love him as much that.</p><p>"I'm sorry, love. I wasn't trying to upset you."</p><p>It was all wrong. Zuko should not believe in him this much. He wasn't taking everything Aang had done into consideration. Why would he leave his heart so open to being shattered? There was no way he would intentionally hurt the man he loved but he loved others and hurt them before. First it was Tenzin, Gyatso and the other monks, then it was Katara and Sokka and Katara again. He hurt people he loved even when he didn't mean to. For all he knew, he might have hurt Zuko before. It wasn't so crazy when you looked at how many times he messed up. He didn't want to mess this man up. But he worried he would. What if he left again? He left everyone behind before.</p><p>He might not even mean to leave.</p><p>Being Avatar his life was more at risk than others.</p><p>He recoiled. His mind drifted to something he had never considered before but something that was ever present in the back of his mind. Looming over him and his relationship with Zuko since the very beginning.</p><p>He jerked back and stared at Zuko through wide eyes.</p><p>"I need space. Please, Zuko, leave me here for a while. I need to think."</p><p>He stared at Zuko with pleading eyes, hoping it would help his case. Zuko nodded and said. "Call if you need me." And then he left him. </p><p>He fell to his knees wrapped his arms around himself. He felt himself going crazy. His brain was spinning thoughts around so fast in his head and it felt like the world was closing in on him. He didn't want to think about death. He didn't want to think about leaving, but that was all he did. He searched his surroundings. They were so familiar and yet so strange at the same time. The abandoned temple had lost all sense of home to him. </p><p>So why did he come back here?</p><p>And why did he think about this so much.</p><p>He felt himself slip and then the world shifted.</p><p>"You have to face your fear, Aang." A voice told him. Not just any voice. It was Avatar Roku.</p><p>"Avatar Roku?" he whimpered.</p><p>His past life kneeled before him and wrapped him into a gentle hug. "As Avatar, you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. But we do not cease the rest of our lives as Avatars. Some of us marry and have children, all of us have different kids of relationships. We all have fears as Avatar. But we are not just Avatars and our fears are not just ones all Avatars have. We are people, different people, with fears that center around the other parts of our lives. You have buried so many of your human fears to focus on your fears as an Avatar and by doing so, you have locked yourself in place and have been unable to let go of the past."</p><p>"I can't let my human fears get in the way of my being the Avatar," he told Roku but even to his own ears something rang untrue.</p><p>"Your greatest act as Avatar to date saw you embrace your human side, the airbender side. By embracing your human fears you will not be a worse Avatar. Just like you are not a worse Avatar for living a more human life."</p><p>Roku didn't understand. He couldn't. "He'll hate me. Just like Gyatso and the other Air Nomads did."</p><p>"They did not hate you, Aang."</p><p>Aang saw the family similarity between Roku and Zuko just then. Not in their appearance but in how they tried to reassure him. In how they felt so sure about the very same thing. "How do you know? How can you know that?" He felt his voice crack. He lowered his head and squeezed his eyes shut, emotion overpowering them. The storm had come.</p><p>"I failed them."</p><p>Even through shut eyes his tears broke free.</p><p>"I knew Gyatso in life and I know him in death," declared Roku. "His love for you has never faded. Death cannot end love. Love exists long after we are gone. Gyatso knew you were afraid, he knew the struggles you faced and when you left, he battled a guilt similar to yours. He wanted to protect you. To give you a normal life for a while longer. He felt like he failed. He struggled after that, I won't lie, but when the Fire Nation attacked, his thoughts were not of anger at them or you, his thoughts were loving and hopeful. He knew you would survive and find a way to end the war that was beginning. It allowed him to accept his fate." Roku stared into his eyes. "Do you understand now, Aang? In his final moments, he loved you and it brought him comfort."</p><p>"I... I don't understand how."</p><p>But he believed Roku. Something in the way he spoke reminded him of Gyatso. The words rang through. At least he thought they did.</p><p>"You brought him so much joy and became the most important person in his life. Answer me this, why do you love my great-grandson when he has committed many wrongdoings in his short life?"</p><p>"He's a wonderful person and yes, he's made mistakes, but he has made up for them. He has the most loving heart. And he wants to make the world a better place. How could I not love someone like that?"</p><p>"Then why can you undeserving of love?" he asked.</p><p>"My mistakes cost millions of people their lives."</p><p>Behind Roku, more Avatars appeared. Kyoshi, Kuruk, Yangchen and more. His past lives stretched out for miles.</p><p>They spoke together as though they were one. "Every Avatar has made mistakes. It is part of human nature. Through those mistakes we can learn and grow. But one must accept they are flawed before they can truly learn. They must accept responsibility when it is warranted but they also must accept when things are out of our hands. Had you been present when the Fire Nation attacked you would not have made it out alive. You were too young, too untrained and you had not yet discovered your Avatar State. Your actions were not the reason for their deaths. Your actions did not start the war. For all the power you have, you are not invincible and this is something you have learned." Aang felt the words settle in his soul. "To reach your full potential as Avatar you must accept your humanity and also your Avatar side, you must bring balance to them both just as you bring balance to the world. Only then will you be at your best. Only then will you be able to move forward."</p><p>"I'm scared of failing again," he admitted.</p><p>"Embrace that fear. Let it guide you in your decision making. Let it teach you."</p><p>"I'm going to make more mistakes, aren't I?"</p><p>"You will. As you have many times before, in your past lives."</p><p>"I don't want to leave him." The first time he said it out loud. "I don't want to leave him like I left the Air Nomads."</p><p>"The future is never a certainty. Even if you were not the Avatar you could not guarantee your life."</p><p>"But I'm not going to have a long life. I already know that. I was frozen too long. It's going to catch up to me eventually."</p><p>His past lives smiled. Avatar Roku touched his cheek gently. "Your biggest fear has been acknowledged. Now it's time to accept your fear and the truth in it." This time it was just him speaking. His voice was soft, comforting. A wave of relief washed over him.</p><p>"I can't," Aang told him. Roku was about to speak again but Aang cut him off. "Not yet anyway. I can't accept it until I've talked to Zuko. He's part of this. It affects him too."</p><p>"My great-grandson loves you, Aang. Remember that while you speak to him. Trust in it."</p><p>Aang took a breath and smiled. "I'll do my best. But I'm still learning."</p><p>Roku's smile grew. "Yes, you are and you will learn over the course of your life. I know you'll be fine. With a heart like yours, you will be okay, despite any mistakes you might make."</p><p>"Can I ask you something before I have to go?"</p><p>"Of course."</p><p>"Will I get to see Gyatso and the other Airbenders again?"</p><p>Roku nodded. "They are tied to your life so you will see them again. Maybe sooner than you think."</p><p>As Roku spoke Aang felt conflicted about the answer. He went from hopeful that he would see them again to sad because it sounded like his death would come a lot sooner than he would like. But Roku's smile was reassuring and a little mischievous and Aang thought maybe there were more surprises to come. It was exciting to think there would be a way to see them again, without having to die. Maybe he could introduce Zuko. That would make it all so perfect.</p><p>"Thank you for everything." Aang told his past lives. Then he was back.</p><p>In the time he had been in the Avatar state, his knees had gone numb. He slid them apart until he was sitting on his butt and carefully stretched them out in front of him. That was better.</p><p>In the Avatar state he had felt back to normal but now he was back in reality and the truth was less perfect. Still, he felt better than he had, and he knew it was time to follow Roku and the other Avatars advice and face his fears head on.</p><p>He sat a moment longer and then airbended himself to his feet. He felt a little lighter, a little clearer and a little relived. Nothing was putting those he loved at risk. It was his subconscious that led him here, not some other power. His mind knew he needed to face up to things and it found a way to ensure it would happen. It could have figured out a better way but he couldn't deny it was effective and now he knew what he needed to do. He hadn't spoken to his past lives about it but there were fears he needed to face regarding the Air Temple, too, and what better person to face them with than the man he loved.</p><p>He saw the Air Temple in a new light now. Yes, it was tainted by the past but there was a future for it too. There needed to be. It could be a great Air Temple again. A place for Airbenders of the future and he knew deep down there would be. He would do everything in his power to make sure it happened.</p><p>He found his fiance sitting on the steps of the temple, shoulders slumped, hands covering his face. He hadn't gone far. Aang was glad. His fiance had done what he asked while also staying close enough in case he needed him. It was so sweet. Aang knew he was lucky. Luckier than most people would ever be. He had someone who respected him enough to give him the space but loved him enough not to completely abandon him in his time of need.</p><p>"Hey," he called out as he approached his love.</p><p>Zuko leapt up. "Aang, you're back." He met him halfway and pulled him in for a hug.</p><p>He wrapped his arms around Zuko and breathed him in. In the arms of the man he loved, he felt a little more weight lifted. He felt loved and safe. But he didn't want to stay like this too long. He didn't want to lose his nerve and back out. "We need to talk about, well, everything."</p><p>Zuko released him but took one of his hands. "Want to sit and talk or would walking help?"</p><p>"Follow me," he said and pulled Zuko along. "I want to do this somewhere else."</p><p>"Where?" Zuko asked.</p><p>He wasn't sure this was a good idea. Maybe it was the worst place to have the talk. But his heart was leading him here. It was a spot he had not shared with Zuko yet and it was a spot that had changed his life forever. The part of the temple he was killed in would one day hold something to honour him and the others who had fallen. He wanted to share the place with Zuko and form a memory there. Where he could pay his respects to the man he lost while being supported by the person he was planning to spend the rest of his life with. Before he could do that, he needed to make sure Zuko knew everything and had a chance to change his mind.</p><p>A chill went through him as soon as he passed through the doorway. Beside him, he heard Zuko gasp.</p><p>"Aang... I..."</p><p>"I want to share this place with you." He was going to remain calm through this. "If this is too much though-"</p><p>"No!" Zuko rushed to say. "I'm honoured you would share this with me. This is... it's a lot."</p><p>"It is," Aang agreed. "And it's going to get worse."</p><p>Zuko's brow furrowed in confusion. He tilted his head to the side, just slightly. "Does this mean you found out what was causing your dreams?"</p><p>"Yes."</p><p>Hope filled his eyes. "So you've worked through it all?"</p><p>Aang smiled. "No. It's not that simple. But I took the first step and I feel better for it." Aang took a breath. "Now I just need to tell you about it." He was surprisingly calm. For the first time in weeks, he was clear headed and ready to open up and ready to face things head on. He wasn't the least bit worried that Zuko would walk. Not really. It was a thought his brain held on to but it wasn't going to bring him to the brink of another meltdown. </p><p>"You can tell me anything."</p><p>Aang took a breath, held Zuko's hands in his, and spoke. "I know I've talked a lot about the guilt I felt for abandoning my people, and the world, when they needed me most. It's been there since I found Gyatso's body here with Katara and Sokka. Even when everyone thought I had put it behind me, I hadn't, not really. How could I? I have blamed myself for it every day since. Sometimes it was more subtle but I felt it, even when I ignored it. And I blamed myself more than I should have. I see that now. I put the weight of it all on me but I think everyone but me knew that there was nothing I could have done to save them. My past lives made me see that I was not the Avatar I am today. I was the Avatar in name only, really. I had airbending mastered but not the other elements or the Avatar State that day and I would have died along with them and the world would have fallen into chaos anyway only there would have been no Avatar." Zuko was nodding as he spoke as though he was agreeing with everything Aang was saying. "That's not to say I didn't make a mistake leaving, I did. But every Avatar has made mistakes and the way I become a better Avatar is to acknowledge and learn from them. It also means I have to learn to face my fears. And there's one I have never said out loud before a while ago and it's one I didn't even really know about, but it was always there."</p><p>"I'm glad you're telling me," Zuko assured him. "This is what makes our relationship work. Well, it helps."</p><p>Aang agreed with him. "It does. Which is why you need to know. This affects you too. I'll understand if you can't do this after but I need you to know. Zuko, I... I love you so much. You mean everything to me. You have made my life so much better. For a long time, there has been a secret part of me afraid that I would leave you the way I left my people. I didn't even realize until today. The seeds were planted on our way here, when I fell into the dream state for so long, but I didn't <i>know</i> and now I do. I know. And I know I need to be upfront and face reality. The reality is, I won't be alive forever. I probably won't live to me an old man. Even if my role as the Avatar doesn't get me killed, my body was frozen for 100 years and that is bound to have consequences. I would love nothing more than to grow old with you but that's unlikely to happen and I don't want you to hate me for it but you need to know what you're signing up for."</p><p>Zuko was smiling. It was a mix of sadness and love. "And when you die you'll forget all about me?" Zuko said lightheartedly. </p><p>Aang felt like he had been slapped in the face. "No! Of course not. I would never, could never, forget about you."</p><p>"Then why would I walk away? I've always had to face the reality that you could die before me. Heck, that's not guaranteed either. I'm possibly one of the most hated people in the world still. Someone could kill me before you. But even if we're safe from others, even if I lose you sooner than I would like, I would never regret us. I treasure every moment we have together and I will treasure them even more now that you told me that but I will enjoy the time I get with you. Even if we have to be apart for a few years, knowing I get to spend eternity with you is enough for me."</p><p>He was overwhelmed by the love he felt for Zuko at that moment. He pulled him close, held him tight and poured his love into hugging the man with him. Sometimes he got lost in the heat of their relationship and could forget how amazing it was to be intimate with Zuko. Right now, despite the scene around them, the bodies, the destruction of his once beautiful home, he was happy and content.</p><p>"I'll never be able to express how much I love you."</p><p>"You do," Zuko told him. "Every day. I feel it in every action you take, every word you say, every time you glance my way. I see it. I feel it."</p><p>Aang feathered a kiss against Zuko's nose and then stepped back and composed himself. He had more to say. They had more to do before they could leave.</p><p>"I want to rebuild the temple. All the temples really. But I want to start here." He swept his hands out to his side in a look at this place motion. "I want to build something to honour the airbenders who perished. I want something special here. I want to find a way to rebuild so one day, maybe, more airbenders can live here and learn the customs and culture. So they can live the way we did 100 years ago."</p><p>"I want to do that with you."</p><p>"Really? I was hoping you would say that. I want you by my side through it all."</p><p>"There's nowhere else I'd rather be. And I feel like it's something small I can do to make up for my great grandfather's role in all of this." Zuko looked around. "Not that I'm trying to make this about me. But, I have always wanted to do more to make up for the airbender genocide. I was afraid to push you into something. Or make it about me."</p><p>Aang felt a wave of relief wash over him. "I'm glad you waited. Getting to this point has taken some time." He looked over Zuko's shoulder and his mood shifted. "There's one last thing I want us to do."</p><p>Zuko turned his head to see what Aang saw. Behind Zuko, in the same spot he had been several years ago, lay Monk Gyatso's corpse. It hadn't changed since the last time. His heart was sick at the sight. He hated seeing his beloved father figure there. Roku's words circled around in his head. He died a hero. He died a man comforted by the knowledge that out in the world somewhere, the boy he helped raise lived, and could carry on their ways. He died knowing it was not the end of the Air Nation.</p><p>"Zuko, meet Gyatso."</p><p>"This is where..."</p><p>"It is. Apparently you were right. He died loving me. He died comforted by the fact I survived."</p><p>Zuko took hold of his hand as they stepped in front of the corpse. "I'm glad you know now."</p><p>"It doesn't magically take all the pain away or make it better. But now that I know he didn't die hating me I feel like I can work through my grief properly. The one thing I will maybe always struggle with is the fact he felt guilty about everything. I won't let that ruin my life though or let it take from the fact he died with some peace in his heart. He deserved that."</p><p>"I'm sure he's glad you know now. Maybe he played a part in bringing you here."</p><p>"Maybe." It made sense in a way. Gyatso always had this way of making him feel better. He also knew him better than anyone else had back then. It would make sense he would drive Aang to keep going no matter what.</p><p>"We could build this place up and get married here." Zuko suggested from nowhere.</p><p>Aang considered it for a moment. "I think I'd like that."</p><p>They took a moment of silence. He bowed his head and offered up his love to those he had lost. He promised to make sure he brought the Air Nomad culture back to life. He promised this was not the end for their people. Then he took a moment to thank Gyatso for everything. Thanked him for loving him and always being there and for never stopping even when he might have deserved it. He promised he would never forget him. Then he assured the man who raised him that he would be okay and he would live his life the best he could. He swore to never let him down again. It was in that moment he felt a familiar presence stand behind him. Overwhelmed with joy he enjoyed every second with the presence and when he felt it hug him from behind, in that familiar hug from his childhood, he let his emotions out and he cried and he laughed and when it was gone he turned to his fiance and said. "Want to see more of the Air Temple?"</p><p>Zuko's answer, of course, was yes.</p><p>It was not the end of their time there. In fact, it was just the beginning.</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>